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29 April, 2014 07:15:05

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By: Virginia Peirce' McNulty
19 April 2014


     It has been almost one year since I left my husband. That day was the most liberating day in my life, but yet the most hurtful. I no longer had to be someone I am not nor would ever be. Why someone else would want to change the person they say they have fallen in love with is beyond my thinking. Are we not supposed to love for who the individual is NOW not who we WANT them to be later. It is so very confusing at times. I'm thinking that I have just picked out individuals that need to control others including their spouse and children. Have realistic expectations for those you love, whether it be a spouse, child or someone else you are in contact with. Dr. Phil McGraw explains in his book “Life Codes “it so well when he says, “Have Realistic Expectations Okay, you’ve committed to acknowledging what your personal obstacles are and identifying your strengths so you build on them, and you have now figured out how to play the “what if?” game to its conclusion. You’ve learned that facing your fears will probably leave you no worse off than you are already— and maybe even a lot better off. So where do you go from here? Winners deal with the truth, with reality, and they do not “blow smoke” at themselves. If you truly get real with yourself at every level, then you should have very realistic expectations about what is going to happen as you undertake a challenge. This is critical, because it is not what happens in life that upsets people; it is the violation of their expectations for what is going to happen that upsets them. This is a critical awareness, because while you may not be able to control everything that happens, you can certainly control what expectations you allow yourself to have. If you are completely honest with yourself, then your expectations will not be violated. We see this all the time in marriages. Merging two lives is a big, big challenge. You have to learn to share lives, routines, money, possessions, and space. No marriage is trouble -free. There are going to be ups and downs, sacrifices to be made, and frustrations that can be very unsettling.i"

     I definitely will not be with a man again anytime soon because of the healing my heart and mind need at this point in my life. I just do not trust people any longer. What has happen to the people with integrity? Not that I am perfect because that is as far from the truth as you can get. There is no such thing as being perfect. When a man or woman puts the person in their life on a pedestal of unrelistic expectations this is the first mistake that individual can make. The higher we put a husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend on a pedestal then the harder that person will fall because they are just HUMAN BEINGS and not gods. Do we not need to love for who they are NOW just as God has shown us love even when we do not deserve it? This does not mean we should be with a person who is verbally, physically, or spiritually abusive to us. This is in no way true. This means we need to keep in front of our eyes the person who we originally fell in love with. Yes, we grow and change but we change from within. We change because God gave us his Holy Spirit to help us change. We cannot change people and when we try it makes the person you are trying to change feel you never did love them for who they were. When we look at other people and see flaws, we are usually looking at a mirror of ourselves.

     I think that Jesus said it in a very simple way. He said, in Matthew 7:3 New American Standard Bible "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? When we see a fault or sin in our spouse we had better get down on our knees and ask God to help us to change. Pointing it out in your spouse, brother, sister, etc.… is not the thing to do, this wont change them but only make them resentful to you. That person will eventually back away from you and the relationship. Trying to change someone builds walls that will take years to tear down. We do not want to do this! We want to build up a healthy relationship full of postive, and loving words. Again, I ask why husbands want to change their wives. Well, I am a woman and cannot really put myself in a man’s shoes. I know there are some wife’s that want to change their husbands too, but I am a woman therefore I am discussing my experiences as a woman who has had two husbands that tried to change me. At times we do get a preconceived idea of who our spouse should be and how they should act.

     We are all raised in different ways, so therefore we all have different ideas of what is expected and what we expect from our significant other. Is this really fair? I do not think so! We need to enter into a relationship excepting the other person for who they are NOW. Not thinking in the back of our minds, “oh they will change, “or “that person won’t do that or be that way after we are together”. We need to love no matter what happens except for abuse and even if that happens if both partners want counseling healing could happen and the marriage could be saved. I met this man and we hit it off pretty good. He is a very open, and nice man with a daughter my daughter’s age. I found out he was married and according to his wife they were trying to reconcile with one another. How could someone do this to their spouse? I am done with relationships of any kind. I’m sure there may be some people out in the world who are decent and of good moral value. Like I said before I have made plenty mistakes in my 51 years of living. I’ve tried to learn from each one and hopefully I never hurt anyone the way I have been hurt in my life. When a spouse can look you in the eyes and a straight face while they are lying to you something dreadful is wrong with that relationship.

In a book I read called, “Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man” the author explains, “—Making excuses and lying. The passive-aggressive man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not getting to a meeting on time, making love, meeting deadlines, fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love— to have power over you— the passive -aggressive man may choose to make up a convoluted story rather than give a straight answer. Not only is he a genius at ignoring reality when he so chooses, so he is a virtuoso at spinning tales to make reality look better.” I truly believe life is nothing like it was 30 years ago. People seem to be more and more selfish. It seems as though life is just all about them, if something affects them, then they will move and do something to change their circumstances. I begged my husband to go to counseling with me but he just would not go. He was telling me he did not care enough about our relationship to work on it any longer. I was replaceable, like an old car he traded me in for a new one. But in his case it was his old girlfriend. I came to the conclusion he never did love me but just wanted what he could get out of me monetarily and raising his daughter. I have never met a person with no integrity as my husband. His words were empty, full of lies and deceit. He definitely had a way of conning people that is for sure. I came to the conclusion my husband is passive aggressive in behavior. I’m not sure if it was his drug years that made him like this. It could have been his alcoholic mother or it could be he is just a down right jerk.

     In the book I have read, “Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man” by: Scott Wetzler, Ph.D. In one of Mr. Wetzler’s passages he states, ““Every meal, every conversation and everything we decide to do is handled like we’re two warring nations negotiating a pact, not two people who care about each other,” one woman told me. She could be talking for other women about their husbands, fathers, bosses, and the shoemaker.”[ii] Wetzler, Scott (2011-01-18). Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man (p. 36). Simon & Schuster, Inc.. Kindle Edition.[ii] Wetzler, Scott (2011-01-18). Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man (p. 21). Simon & Schuster, Inc.. Kindle Edition. There really is not a manual on how to live happy, have a happy marriage etc… But I’ve thought and thought about what I could have done differently in my life. I came up with these important points.Seek God above all else; if we do not seek God and put Him first in our life we are going to fail for sure.Be a doer of the Word of God. If you do not understand what this means search the bible, pray and ask God to help you to understand. A person can talk until they are blue but if they are not doing what God wants then it is all for nothing.Believe that if you are a born again Christian God has given you a wonderful gift of insight. Some people call it intuition, others say it’s their consciousness but I believe it is God leading us by his Holy Spirit. That still, small voice. Do not have reservations! His children know his voice.Be happy without a husband, boyfriend etc… If you cannot make your own self happy, living alone for a time how are you going to be happy living with someone else? If you rush into things as living with your spouse, you are going to make a huge mistake. God loves you, so you need to love you too or you’ll never be able to love anyone else.If he is too good to be true, then follow your instincts and get the heck out of dodge. There are plenty of fish in the sea.Do not have unrealistic expectations for your spouse and do not allow your spouse to have unrealistic expectations for you.

     In Dr. Phil’s book “Life Codes “Dr. Phil McGraw explains “Have Realistic Expectations Okay, you’ve committed to acknowledging what your personal obstacles are and identifying your strengths so you build on them, and you have now figured out how to play the “what if?” game to its conclusion. You’ve learned that facing your fears will probably leave you no worse off than you are already— and maybe even a lot better off. So where do you go from here? Winners deal with the truth, with reality, and they do not “blow smoke” at themselves. If you truly get real with yourself at every level, then you should have very realistic expectations about what is going to happen as you undertake a challenge. This is critical, because it is not what happens in life that upsets people; it is the violation of their expectations for what is going to happen that upsets them. This is a critical awareness, because while you may not be able to control everything that happens, you can certainly control what expectations you allow yourself to have. If you are completely honest with yourself, then your expectations will not be violated.”

     My husband had extremely unrealistic expectations for me. Of course he was let down terribly because like all other humans we are just human. We are not super people, we are not God, we make mistakes, we say the wrong thing at time, we are just who we are. We cannot be anyone else other than us. It is extremely unfair for people to put unrealistic expectations on someone else, especially their spouse.

[1] McGraw, Dr. Phil (2012-11-13). Life Code (Kindle Locations 1732-1743). Bird Street Books. Kindle Edition. [1] Wetzler, Scott (2011-01-18). Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man (p. 36). Simon & Schuster, Inc.. Kindle Edition.[1] Wetzler, Scott (2011-01-18). Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man (p. 21). Simon & Schuster, Inc.. Kindle Edition. [1] McGraw, Dr. Phil (2012-11-13). Life Code (Kindle Locations 1732-1741). Bird Street Books. Kindle Edition.

Last Edited By: SpaceTimeExile 29 April, 2014 07:22:10. Edited 1 time